Eighty-six years of banging our heads against the big green wall...
but we finally did it.
That part you know. That part everybody knows.
But I got a story you don't know.
It's about this schoolteacher friend of mine named Ben.
This is him, back in 1980, when he was a kid.
The little guy was going through a tough time.
His parents had just got divorced, and his mom dragged him up here to Boston...
where he didn't know nobody.
One day Ben's mom says, "Enough mopin 'around, "
and she calls her brother Carl to take him somewhere...
anywhere, just to get the kid out of the house.
Uncle Carl didn't have any children of his own...
so he wasn't exactly what you’d call "kid sawy. "
I'm not gonna have to change him or anything, am I?
Carl, look at him. He's seven, you dope. Come here.
Carl wasn't the kind of uncle who was gonna take you to the circus...
or the zoo or a puppet show...
but he did know the greatest place to bring any kid-
The heart and soul of Boston, Fenway Park.
That was also the day I met Ben.
The pretty boy with the glasses? That's me, Al Waterman. I sell sponges.
Now that's the Green Monster, kid.
- Monster? - Yep.
I taught the boy what I knew about the game...
and Carl taught him what he knew.
Hey, Zimmer, you idiot, what are you batting this bum leadoff for?
Dwight Evans parked a couple homers, the Sox won...
and by day's end, poor Ben had become one of God’s most pathetic creatures-
- a Red Sox fan. - Wow!
And that's where the story begins.
Careful, kid. They'll break your heart.
You could have gone over right there. Come on, you gotta be aggressive, man.
- Take off the training wheels. - Hey, I got a crowbar under the seat, okay?
So don't make me knock your teeth out.
What are you doing?
Audrey and Tammy, are you guys talking to each other on the phone?
We're conferencing Amanda. She's home sick.
Amanda likes that song, Mr. Wrightman.
Can you turn it up, please?
Okay, so I asked for no ham, double turkey, but it looks like they gave me double ham.
- Do you want me to go back? - Uh, no. Just toss some of it in my mouth.
- And that teacher's here with those kids. - What?
That teacher you talked to on the phone, about coming in, having a tour.
Oh, oh, God, that's today?
- They're here. - Oh, no.
Okay, uh, just pretend that you’re me and take them around and- Hi.
- There they are. - Ben Wrightman. We talked on the phone.
- Nice to meet you. - Yes, yes, I've been waiting for you.
Hi, I'm Lindsey Meeks.
Excuse me.
Can I get anyone something to drink?
Vodka martini, straight up. Three olives, please.
Hey, I asked you to behave.
Uh, are you allowed to hit them?
Yeah, actually. Do you wanna take a swipe at him?
I'll hold him if you want.
- Maybe later. - Uh, okay. As I said on the phone, Lindsey...
I teach honors geometry, ninth grade.
And every year I pick a few promising math students...
to meet someone who's pursued mathematics as an educational discipline...
and has made practical use of that education.
So, thanks for having us.
All right, the client I'm working for right now...
is this really cool company called Marquis Jet...
and they’re trying to figure out how to make renting private jets more affordable.
Wow. Now that's the way to go.
Yeah, and they're growing like crazy...
so they'd have to buy more jets in order to meet the demands.
Now let me ask you guys a crazy question.
Are any of you in the habit of looking at numbers-
You know, addresses, license plates, phone numbers- and adding them up...
and rearranging them in your head to make more interesting patterns?
Oh, my God, she knows my secret shame.
Well, step into the light, my friend, because this is the church of numbers...
and every day is Sunday.
- She was a major hottie. - Major?
- Colonel hottie. - Yeah, she went optic for you, Mr. Wrightman.
- Optic? - Yeah, I saw her glance to the pants.
- No way. - Yeah. - What do you mean?
- I mean she was totally- - No, no, not you. You. What did you mean?
Nothin', you know.
Well, come on, man. You saw her.
What? Wait. Are you saying that she's out of my league?
She is bringing some serious heat, man. I don't know if you got the bat speed.
Oh, I got the bat speed. I got plenty of bat speed. I could hit her best cheese.
Ezra, I need those customer satisfaction data reports.
- I put them on your desk, Lindsey. - Good lad. Keep me posted.
You got it.
- Those kids were cute. - Which kids?
- The ones from earlier today. - Oh. Yeah.
Maybe I should become a teacher or a college professor, you know.
The hours would be better. You get summers free. It's so much less competitive.
- Oh, my God, Jack is leaving. - What?
Jack is leaving the company next summer.
What that- So, do you think they're gonna bring someone in from the outside?
- I have- I don't know. - Or do you think they're gonna promote from within?
I thought you were becoming a teacher.
Low blood sugar. I didn't eat yet.
Hi.
Hi. I didn't wanna interrupt.
It sounded like you were involved with some major corporate hoo-ha.
Oh, well, there's a position about to open up...
so it might get mildly murderous around here.
Oh. Wha-Wha-Wha- I want your job! I'm the boss!
Wha-Wha-
Yes. So, um-
Why am I here? Um-
I just wanted you to know that you really got through to the kids today.
You know, they're really juiced.
Oh, thanks. They were- They were great.
Well, you're welcome. Thank you.
So, is the conversation over?
You mean 'cause neither of us are speaking?
Yeah.
No. Yeah, I also- I came back because I just-
I wanted to ask you if I could ask you out sometime.
Socially.
I won't be bringing the kids.
Oh!
Uh-
- Hike. - Get him! Get him!
- Oh! - All right, good "D." Good "D."
I know why she wouldn't go out with me. She thinks I'm not in her class.
- She said that? - No. I could see it on her face.
- "Like I would really date a schoolteacher. " - Ouch.
Down, set, hike.
Yeah, go, go, go!
Ben, what are you doing? It's two-hand touch. You were down back there.
And back there and back there.
What's the matter with you?
Come on, guys.
Sorry. Sorry, guys.
All right, Lindsey, so what's the matter with this one?
He's not smart? He's not attractive?
He was. It's just, you know-
- I don't know. It's hopeless. - Oh, boy, here we go.
You're right, I'm an idiot. I'm about to turn 20-10...
and the dating market is, shall we say, bearish.
And instead of becoming more open and available, I'm becoming less open.
Come on, people. Talking isn't burning calories.
Let's go. Start pedaling. Come on.
Maybe you should date a different kind of guy.
Why? What do you mean?
Well, all the guys you date are sharp and competitive and successful.
- It's like you’re dating yourself. - Ding, ding, ding.
Wh-What's wrong with the schoolteacher?
- Well- - He's a schoolteacher.
Which means he has a small... income.
All right, people, let's shut your piehole and speed it back up. Come on!
- Come on! - Die, you Nazi spin-bitch.
Hey! Go, run a post. Go!
Oh!
Who did that?
That's it. You're coming with me, mister.
What do you think, this is your own private playground?
Get in here.
Thanks, man. I owe you one.
Go ahead.
Hey, Ben, are you going to watch the Celtics later?
Uh, I don't know.
You know, there are other sports besides baseball.
I would debate you, Ed, but that would only lead to me being dragged away in handcuffs.
Hey, speaking of baseball, Ben, wanna help me coach the J. V. team this year?
Why? You're doing a great job. I mean, you can’t just go by wins and losses.
Aw, come on, Ben. The kids listen to you.
I think it's going good the way it is, you know?
You coach the team, and I help out whenever I can.
Then, if I don't make it or-
Hey, Rita, when did I get this message from Lindsey Meeks?
A tip might be where it says "Time Called: 2:30."
Come on, pull!
So, do you think it'll be a problem that you’re more successful than him?
- Who says I am? - Well, I mean, at least financially.
It's not like he's playing a flute with a hatful of dollar bills in front of him.
- He's a teacher. - Teaching's a cool thing.
Yeah. Besides, why does everything in my life have to be a trophy?
- I mean, who am I trying to impress? - Hey, we're on your side.
No, I know. It's just that I hate when people-
- Ow! - Oopsie.
Oh, just kill me. Just take a hammer and kill me.
Oh, shit. Who is it?
I -It's me. It's Ben. Your date?
Oh, God, no.
Oh.
I'm sick. Come back. I'll call you tomorrow. Go away.
Wait, wait, wait. What kind of sick? You okay? You in pain?
I- ate at this new place.
I think-
Are you faking it? 'Cause we don't have to really do this if you don't-
Mommy.
Ernie, go away.
Ernie, don't eat that!
Oh, shit.
Uh-
So, you wanna pull the plug on this thing or-
All right, here we go. Come on.
All right, we're almost there.
Okay. Okay.
Now sit right here. Oh, God!
All right. Okay. Here. Pick your head up.
Up. Okay, up.
Uh, all right. Um-
Do you have any, like, pajamas or a nightgown?
In the top drawer.
Top drawer. Okay.
All right, here we go.
Well, Wonder Woman’s been looking for these.
I gotta call her. Let her know they're here.
- Okay. All right. I'll help you up. - Mm-mm.
- Get up. - I'm sorry about this.
- Don't worry. Come on. Come on. - I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna help you change, all right? I won't look. I promise.
- Uh-huh. - Okay.
Okay, I looked.
Let's get this on.
Get your arms through.
Okay, here we go. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.
There's nothing left to throw up, I promise.
And if you do, here's Mr. Hamper. Okay? All right.
Here. Drink this when you feel like you can, okay?
- Thank you. Thank you, Bill. - All right.
It's Ben. Okay, go back to sleep.
- Hey. - Hi.
How you feeling?
Uh, I mean, I'm not about to enter any pie-eating contests.
Did you clean up my bathroom, or did I dream that?
Me? No. Uh, the vomit elves came in. And, uh, really adorable.
Really cute little things. I mean, little caps and little barf bags.
Well, thank you.
I mean, you really, really went above and beyond.
Uh, no, please. It wasn't a big deal. You were very ladylike.
Hardly any "chunk age. "
- What's in the bag? - I got some, uh-
I got some movies just in case you woke up. Not in case you woke up.
I knew you were going to wake up. In case you woke up in the middle of the night.
Yeah? Anything good?
Uh, mostly animated pornography from Japan.
And a little something I like to watch too when I feel sick.
Well, for me, it's Annie Hall.
- Wh-What did you say? - Annie Hall.
Whoa, this is like- This is unbelievable.
Road House.
Are you feeling- Is this crazy? I mean, what are the odds?
Spooky.
No, she cannot have my assistant.
Because I trained Carrie. I like her.
Listen. Do we have to settle this right now? I'm with a... person.
Yes. Thank you. Okay, I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.
I'm really, really sorry.
Actually, I'm sorry. I ate everything cool. I just left you a pile of sauce.
That's okay. Actually, I'm the worst. I eat off everybody's plate.
In fact, my friends, they call me "the seagull. "
Oh, hi, seagull.
Nice.
No, really, I appreciate you being cool about the phone thing...
because I once went on a date with this guy who got so angry I was on the phone...
that he grabbed it out of my hand, and he threw it in the fish tank.
I would never do that.
What are your pet peeves? What stresses you out?
- Mm, I got- - And I'm only asking...
because frankly the men I meet are highly-
I date poodles basically.
And I'm really relaxed, you know? Totally.
- Son of a- Stop ringing. - I got it.
Let me do it. Let me do it.
Hello? Uh, no, she isn't. May I take a message?
This is Ben. I'm her houseboy/sex slave.
Okay. You betcha. Bye-bye.
Call your mother.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you don't have a cell phone...
- a BlackBerry, a pager, nothing? - No.
Well, what if some sudden crisis occurs...
like your father has a heart attack or something?
- My father died two years ago. - Oh, I'm sorry.
I just found out this morning, so it's been a rough 24 hours.
You know, maybe I should get a cell phone. That's a good idea.
- You're funny, Ben- - Wrightman.
- Wrightman. Yeah. - Yeah.
- You forgot my last name. - No, I just blanked.
I know why you forgot. That's all right. I bet when you talk to your friends...
you call me Ben the schoolteacher, am I right?
- Well? - That's okay.
What do you call me to your friends?
I call you Lindsey...
the vomit girl, the puker, Pukey.
Everyone says, "You going out with Pukey tonight?" I'm like, "Yeah. Why?"
"You wanna play video games or something?" I'm like, "No, I'm going out with Pukey. "
That's horrible.
Hey, anything I've said about you would be an understatement, really.
- Hey, Lindsey! - Hi!
- Hi. - Hi, I'm Ben the schoolteacher.
Ian. Sarah.
- Steve. Molly. - Oh, thanks for having me.
- Robin and Chris. - Welcome aboard.
Well, let's start the interrogation.
No, no, it's not like that.
Here. It's for the urine sample.
Shoot, I wish you would have told me. I just took a whiz in your bushes.
Do you want to-
Show him the house.
- Lindsey, this Ben guy has got such a good vibe. - Good.
- And he's nothing like the guys you usually date. - I know.
- And how cute is he? - Yeah? Well, I'm really glad you guys feel this way...
because if you didn't, I was gonna have to find three new friends.
- No, no, no, I really think you've got something here. - Me too.
Yeah, but... something's not quite right.
- Robin. - No, no, he's great.
He is. I love him. He's a doll.
- But he's not 22. - So?
So, where's he been? Why is he still on the market?
- Um- - Maybe he hasn't found the right person yet.
Well, by now he should be with the wrong person.
How has he not been tranquilized and tagged?
Let me get this straight.
You got two season tickets behind the Red Sox dugout?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. My uncle left them to me. - Behind the dugout?
Yeah. Well, not really behind, like next to it. Fifteen feet away.
You can see right into it at a certain point. It's pretty awesome.
Let me ask you this.
Do you find my wife attractive at all?
'Cause we could work something out.
Well, do you?
You know what you need to do? You need to go to his apartment and go through his things.
You need to go through his closets, sofa cushions. You need to get on his computer.
And what exactly am I looking for?
Anything that explains why he’s still single.
My company can run a credit check on him.
You know, he could be a deadbeat dad.
This is an insane asylum.
So, uh, when they wheeled out Ted Williams at the all-star game-
I was there. I was 10 feet away from him.
Old men crying. Tears.
Tough old guys.
I even started to lose it, you know.
I got a program. I could show you.
If Lindsey ever breaks up with you, I'll kill her.
Lindsey, do you remember that guy Maureen Durst went out with?
- Uh, sort of. Why? - Terry what’s-his-name?
We all thought he was great too.
- Well, what happened? - Oh, my God. She went to his apartment and-
Shh. My story. Stand by.
She's at his place. He's in the shower.
She wants to make the bed, so she goes to the closet. Guess what she finds.
Oh, I don't know. What'd she find?
Two large plastic bags containing all of the hair and nail clippings...
from his entire life.
Eww!
- Eww! - That's a true story.
I'm telling you, there is a reason this Ben guy is still single.
- Come on! - I promised him we'd wait.
- We're always waiting for him. - I gave him my word.
You guys wait?
- Yeah. - Come on, man.
- Did anyone die because you’re here? - No, no, no.
I got another anesthesiologist to cover for me.
All right, are you ready?
Hey, come on! God.
A new season.
A clean slate.
Yep, this smells like the year.
- Hey, you wanna know something? - What?
- I like you. - I like you.
No, I mean, I really like you. I even wrote down a list of all the things I like about you.
You made a list?
Yeah. I don't have it with me, but I can remember it.
I'll skip down because the first six are all body parts.
Uh, number seven: I like that you drink in the afternoon.
Number eight: I like sometimes you talk out of the side of your mouth a little bit.
And it's like- it's like an adorable stroke victim.
I do?
No, it's very cute. It really is. Uh, number nine.
You know, when you're getting ready in the mirror, just when you're about finished...
you go like-
It's so cute, I wanna kill myself. It's fantastic. Uh-
- Hey, when's your break? - Hmm?
- For your school vacation. When do you get off? - End of March.
- That's when you're in Baltimore, right? - Yeah.
Well, it's a really big deal in my family, because it's my dad's birthday and Easter...
and my sister's anniversary all in the same week.
- A cluster. - Yeah. Uh-
So, uh, how would you like to come?
Ooh, too fast? Too serious?
No, why? Did I look like I was just-
- You were a little. - No, 'cause-
No, I-I made- I have a previous commitment.
- Oh, plans? - Yeah, yeah.
Um, see, I didn't tell you about it, 'cause I knew you were gonna be away.
I figured it wouldn't matter, but every year during Easter vacation...
uh, me and my friends, we go down to Florida.
You and your buddies go down to Florida for spring break? At your age?
No, no, no, not spring break. Spring training with the Red Sox.
Oh, you get to train with the Red Sox?
Are you allowed to do that?
Well, we don't actually- We watch the games.
Aren't those just practice games?
Yeah, yeah, but there's more to it than that.
We scout the players. We-We say which players they should keep...
- which they should get rid of. - And the Red Sox ask your opinion?
Well, not yet.
But if they ever do, uh-
Okay, I've been avoiding this.
There's something you don't know about me.
Oh, God, here comes the bag of hair.
The thing is, uh, I am a Red Sox fan.
- Yeah? - No, I'm like a big, big Red Sox fan.
I know. I mean, I've been to your apartment...
and seen the Red Sox dish towels and glasses and the Yankee toilet paper.
- It's like you live in a gift shop. - It's worse.
See, when I was a kid, I moved here from New Jersey...
and I didn't have any friends or anything...
so my Uncle Carl started taking me to Fenway Park.
I just- I got lost in the game.
I mean, the ballpark and the people.
The color, the sounds.
The smells.
And then he got cancer and he died.
He left me his season tickets.
And it's a passion.
I mean, it's a very, very big part of my life.
And it's been a problem with me and women.
Oh, ah, I know those women.
The "pay attention to me" and "why aren’t you talking to me?"
- Yeah. Exactly. - God, those women are so pathetic.
Yeah, it's like, "What are you getting so worked up for?
- I mean, you're not even doing it, you're watching it. " - Yeah.
It's like, "Hey, how about sometimes I like to be 11 years old. "
- Yeah. - I like being part of something that's bigger than me-than I.
It's good for your soul to invest in something that you can't control.
You're a romantic.
Hmm?
You have a lyrical soul. You can love under the best and worst conditions.
I don't know. Well, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I guess so. Hey, uh-
You took a really big chance inviting me to meet your family.
Now I'm gonna take a chance. A big one.
Lindsey, will you go to opening day with me?
Yes.
Yes. Yes!
You hear that? She said yes!
Mary, look. Merry Christmas.
Clarence, look how everyone showed up. It's amaz-
We're going to opening day. It's official. We're going.
- Whoo-hoo! - Whoo!
What did Dad do to his hair?
- I can't even look at him. - I know.
How could you let him?
He's 60. It's a big psychological milestone.
He's struggling with it. He thinks he looks good.
Now don't start with me. Listen, I forgot to tell you that Donna-
Stop it! Out!
Outside! Out.
I don't know what's with him lately.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you. Donna called.
- And they're on their way. - Okay.
Good.
He is scaring the dog. How can you stand it?
He fanned me with a magazine for four years when I was going through menopause.
I can put up with this.
Go back in and talk to him. He misses you.
Okay. One more.
Yeah, but do you see him ever playing in a Yankee uniform?
- Hi. - Hey, kiddo.
- Want a cookie? - No, thanks.
- Your mama says you've been busy. - Ooh.
No Red Sox fan has forgotten last October and Aaron Boone.
- Hey, is this about the Red Sox? - Yeah.
That next year is the year.
Steve Levy is in Fort Myers with some of the members of the set...
known as Red Sox Nation.
Down here in Fort Myers, Florida, the story is always the same.
- When the calendar page flips to March- - Are you interested?
No, I just, you know-
I mean, I have a friend who is interested.
Oh, the schoolteacher.
When are we gonna meet this future breakup?
Thanks, Dad. That's really encouraging.
Well, I thought you would have brought him with you.
Well, you know, he wanted to come.
It's just that, um, well, he has this tradition, you know.
And it's very important to him every-
The Sox are right there! The Sox are right there!
Where do the Sox rank in terms of importance in your life?
I'd say Red Sox, sex and breathing.
I have season tickets to Fenway Park. I haven't missed a game in 11 years.
I love the Red Sox. They're gonna win. All the way this year, baby!
Do you have a job? Do you work for a living?
Of course I do. Yeah, I'm a teacher. I mold young minds.
- Can you help these guys out? - Can you believe this asshole?
29th of May, Seattle, all right?
You know what? I gave it to the lady down at the bakery.
Ben, all I got so far is the 21st and 22nd, man.
We're only on May. We've been here for four hours. Let's try to speed this up.
30th of May, we're still at Seattle. Who wants a Sunday game?
These guys can have whatever games they want.
All I ask for is the first Yankee game.
You went to six Yankee games last season, you selfish pig bastard.
You got to go to every great game. Lowe's no-hitter.
Your mother's hysterectomy? I put her out for free, remember?
- She had insurance for that. - Attention, morons.
- You went last year. - You guys want Yankee tickets? You wanna talk Yankee tickets?
- Yes. - Really.
Okay, well, I wanna see you dance for me.
You don't wanna dance? I don't wanna embarrass you.
I'll just take this. Everyone just go.
I’ll go talk to some kids in the street. I see a little bit there. That's pretty nice.
That's it. The doctor is giving me something.
The doctor is giving me some magic tapping there.
Oh, I like that a lot. Yeah, that's- Oh!
Al I right, Little League, you wanna go? You want some of this?
- How's this, Ben? This is dancing for tickets. - I'm dancing, Ben.
- Troy, sit on the beanbag, please. - Hey, I started, Ben.
Gerard, I guess you don't want them, huh?
- This is worth tickets. - I'm not dancing. This is totally stupid, man.
Fine. Hey, hold out for the Royals, huh?
You are on a total power trip, you know that, man?
- This is totally ridiculous, man. - I was dancing first, remember?
You said dance, I started dancing.
You call that Yankee dancing? No, no, that's like Devil Ray dancing, okay?
That's Devil Ray. I'm talking about Yankee dancing.
That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, get into it. Yeah! How bad do you want it?
Yeah, that's nice. I love it. Come on in.
That's it! Come on! Whoo!
That's right. I'm-
Hey, what are you doing here?
I thought you weren't coming in until tomorrow. You look fantastic.
- I got in last night. - You know Troy, Kevin and Gerard.
- Everyone else, this is Lindsey. - Hi.
Hi, Linds.
- Party? - No, it's draft day.
This is the day we organize the whole season, who gets to go to what game with me.
But don't worry. You're still going to opening day.
Yeah, thank you. Can I talk to you about something really quickly?
Sure, yeah, no problem. Quick break, everybody.
There's some nice Pakistani cold cuts there, courtesy of Mrs. Segal.
I still don't think they're worth two Sunday tickets.
- Whoo-hoo! - Hey! Hey!
Come here.
Wait, I got you something.
I set aside some great games for you too.
Hmm? For when we go to the games together.
Thanks.
It's what the players wear.
It's authentic.
I gotta be honest. This is getting me hot.
Listen. Um, you know, I saw you on ESPN.
Oh. We looked like morons, didn't we?
Uh, yeah, yeah, total. Not you so much, but-
Well, it's very hot, you know. It's Florida.
You start seeing things.
Um, you know, Ben...
I didn't realize how big this Red Sox thing is with you.
What? Hey, I told you.
See, this is-This always happens. Every time I-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't jump off a building. We're just talking.
- Sorry. Knee jerk. - Ben, come on, man. The cold cuts are gone.
- Let's go in there. - Two minutes!
Wow. I really hit a nerve there, didn't I?
Uh- Yeah.
Come here.
Thank you.
I think there's a better approach to this whole Red Sox thing.
- Really? - Yeah. After all, if I want this promotion...
I am going to have to push myself really hard this summer.
And I've never really been very good at servicing myself, my job and a relationship.
Wait, wait. We're not breaking up, are we?
- No, no, this is a good thing. - Okay.
You're gonna be so consumed with all of this that you won't feel neglected all summer.
No, no, yeah, I'm not gonna feel neglected.
And I won't feel guilty for having to do my job.
Yeah, you shouldn't.
So, what I'm saying is, I think this is perfect.
All right. Go, Sox!
We got 'em right here, folks. Come on down. Cut your deficit and balance your budget.
Programs here! Get your programs here!
- Hi. Hi. - Hey.
Peanuts! CrackerJacks!
Who wants peanuts? Who wants CrackerJacks?
Peanuts! CrackerJacks! Who wants-
It's unbelievable, right? You can't even believe how-
- Look, right here, go. This is it. - Thank you.
Is this amazing? Is this crazy? Would you look at these seats?
They're-They're very red.
No, I mean, their proximity to the field. This is Fenway Park.
- Oh. - You can't buy these seats. You have to, like, inherit them.
It's like a guy offered me $100,000 for these once.
- And you didn't sell them? - No, if I ever need the money that bad...
I can always call up a rich old lady and give her some sweet lovin', you know?
That's what I'm all about. Hey, what's up, Al?
- How you doing? - I'm on dialysis.
Right on, buddy. Hey, Al, this is Lindsey.
Hi. Al Waterman. Here, have a sponge.
- Thank you. - Al is the first guy I ever met...
- at my first Red Sox game ever. - Really?
Yeah, he's aged horribly. Hey, the Belnaps.
- This is Artie. Viv. This is Lindsey. - Hello.
- Hi, Lindsey. - Hello.
- Been divorced 20 years, still share the seats. - Really.
- Hey, Ben. - Sheri!
- How you doing? Where's Teresa? - She's right here.
Oh, my God. What happened? You look fantastic!
I lost 200 pounds. I had my stomach stapled shut.
- A doctor or you did it yourself? - Oh, real funny.
Hey!
This is quite a little group you have here.
Well, it's my summer family.
Let's hear it for Jordan Leandre.
Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out the first ball today...
New England's own Stephen King.
Right down the middle.
Did you tell Schuyler? Okay, al I right, listen.
Um, excuse me. What time is the game over?
Uh, it's not like a Broadway musical where it ends with a big Hawaiian number.
It's like you’re missing all the ambience and all the fun.
- I know. - The players are right there.
I have a meeting at 5:30 and had to leave work at noon to meet you here...
- so my people aren't prepared. - Right. Okay.
You know what? I left work early...
so you're gonna have to figure it out for yourself, and I'll call you later.
Wakefield.
That's a foul.
- What makes that a foul? - See that foul pole there?
That's Pesky's Pole. That's this guy Johnny Pesky.
Yeah!
Hey, what are you doing on Saturday?
Mm, you tell me.
- You know what's really great about baseball? - Hmm?
You can't fake it. Anything else in life, you don't have to be great in-
business, music, art- I mean, you can get lucky.
- Really? - Yeah, you can fool everyone for a while, you know?
It's like- Not- Not baseball.
You can either hit a curveball or you can't.
- That's the way it works, you know? - Hmm.
You could have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career.
It's a little like math. It's orderly.
Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up.
It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh-
- Life? - Yeah.
It's- It's safe.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- Hey. - Hi.
What, did you buy out the bookstore?
Actually, I bought every book they had on the Red Sox...
because I'm tired of being the most ignorant person here.
Now who is Carl Yaz-a-strezem-
Yastrzemski.
- She's not a genius, this one. - No.
Johnny Damon! You got the sweetest ass in the league!
Very nice.
Do you believe in this? "The Curse of the Bambino"?
- Hey, that's not funny. That's enough of that. - But Babe Ruth was the Bambino.
That's right. He played for the Red Sox.
They were great. I mean, they were the Yankees.
They won the World Series in 1912, 1915...
1916, 1918.
They were royalty. The elite.
Al should know. He was there actually. He's 136 years old.
He looks great for his age. 1919, their miserable, greedy pig of a boss...
decides to sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees to finance a Broadway musical.
No, No, Nanette. I would never ever see that piece of crap.
And since 1918, the Red Sox have not won a World Series.
Yeah, the Yankees have won 26.
And the thing is the Sox don't just lose, they raise it to an art form.
Tony C., best young player in baseball...
catches one in the eye at 22, he's finished at 26.
Armbrister runs into Carlton Fisk, costs us the Series.
Bucky friggin' Dent.
You remember the time Roger Moret went catatonic?
The grounds crew had to carry him out in a wheelbarrow.
Buckner.
Grady Little sticking with Pedro in the eighth inning.
Ooh, stop it. You're killing me here.
And that, milady, is the Curse of the Bambino.
Number 19, Gabe Kapler.
Okay, I'm ready. Let's go meet Mom and Dad.
Nothing.
- A laugh? A giggle? - This is not a man's closet.
- What do you mean? - You have one pair of dress shoes.
You're like a man-boy- half man, half boy.
You should see the way my sister's husband dresses.
He had a professional come in and do his closet. It's like suit, suit, suit-
All right, okay, okay. I see what this is all about.
You want your parents to like me more than they like your brother-in-law.
No, it's not-Yes!
Is it so horrible that I want my parents to like you?
Okay. I think we have enough stuff in this closet. We can fool 'em.
He looks like a skunk.
You're the one that told me to grow it out.
Well, what else could I say? It looked ridiculous on you. A man your age-
Now, I understand that you're a teacher, right? You were?
Yes, for 27 years.
- And, okay, now you’re the principal, right? - Mm-hmm.
And you- Did you ever tell me what your dad does?
- I sell golf carts. - Wow. Okay, that gives us nothing to talk about.
I don't really know much about it.
That's funny, 'cause every other guy she's gone out with...
has tried to get a free golf cart out of me.
No, I like golf. Great sport. It's just I don't really get out much, you know?
- We love it. - Yeah?
They play all the time.
We tried to get on the country club here, but it's very difficult.
It's almost impossible. I had to call the manufacturer of my golf carts...
- a guy named Dave Johnson, and said- - Jensen.
- No, Dave- Dave Johnson. - Jensen.
- Jensen? - Hi. Sorry we’re late. He was watching the Red Sox game.
- How'd they do? - No, no. La, la, la, la, la!
- Help me! Help me! Help me! - What's wrong?
Oh, help me! Help me! Help me! La la la la!
La la la la. La la la la.
Okay. Okay.
It was awesome. Struck out the side.
Okay, it stopped. It stopped. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
- Whew! - Um-
- Thank you. - Yeah. Ben tapes the Red Sox games...
so he doesn't wanna know the score.
And he can't cover his own ears 'cause he's got lobster fingers, so I do it.
That's sweet.
- Hey, how'd it go last night? - Fabulous.
Mr. Myerson wants to see you.
Oh, God. If one of the windows would open, I would jump.
And your mom's on line one.
Hi, Mom. Hi. Listen, where are you? Can I call you back?
What? You had a 10:00 a. m. flight.
- My Ben? - Yes, he has been great.
He took us out to breakfast. Right now he's washing your father's balls.
What?
- Here's one. - Thanks, Ben.
He got us a 10:00 a. m. tee time at the country club.
How?
One of his student's fathers has something to do with the sprinklers.
- Can I talk to him for a second? - Oh, sure.
Benny? Lindsey.
Oh, thanks. Hi, Linds.
Hey, what are you doing?
Took a sick day.
All right. Well, I'll see you tonight then.
- All right. Bye-bye. - Honey-
Uh, sweetheart, don't talk in my backswing.
- Well, you were lined up wrong. - I wasn't lined up, I-
Please, don't talk in my backswing. You know better than that.
Just take a mulligan. Lighten up.
- He's so short with me. - I know. I know. But you know what?
- You talked in his backswing. Did you talk in his backswing? - Yes, I did.
- Don't even look at him. Look this way. Let him swing. - Okay.
Manny! Manny! Manny!
Oh.
She handled a project for a food service company like yours a few months ago.
Gave them a model predicting the impact of every possibility.
- Sounds like what I need. - Morning.
You'll love her. This lady is a dynamo.
Unstop... pable.
When she wakes up, I wanna see her.
Well, let's go for a coffee.
You know what's happening here? You're being colonized.
- What? - Colonized. It's like- It's like in the old days.
When the French and the English would go into Asia and Africa...
and they'd raise their flags and they'd impose their culture and they'd colonize.
It's like, Sarah, when you cut your hair off because that guy liked short hair.
Wait a minute. I mean, you guys are married.
Isn't that a part of it, accommodating each other?
You know, how many kids are we gonna have?
Where are we gonna live? What pizza place are we gonna order from?
Doesn't it require some pliability?
Because maybe that's something I've been lacking in my life.
Isn't it affecting your work?
No, not so much.
You know what I just realized?
You're rooting for her relationship to fail.
- No. - What?
- That's right. - Why would I do that?
Never mind.
No. No, come on, tell me.
All right. You and Lindsey are both very competitive, especially with each other.
- She's more competitive than I am. - I am not.
And when you were both starting out, you were the more successful one.
But now Lindsey's career has skyrocketed, so she's more successful.
But you've had the personal success, the marriage.
And if Lindsey gets that too, then she's definitely the winner...
so you’re rooting against her.
Oh, my God. What did I do?
- What the- - That's it.
We are so not coming here anymore.